Lets talk about it out there, he said, gesturing to the corridor that led to a packed audience, and I gave him that look, the same look Id given the younger man who asked why I didnt write about these things. On a very petty level, it was poorly written and felt barely edited. Id think those would be the most interesting things to write about., I gave him an exasperated look. We are all unreliable narrators. I dont want to brag about where I am now. The #MeToo movement, which felt like a necessary corrective when it began, was starting to feel like an arrow pointed at our own agency. New York, Grand Central Publishing, 2015, 230 pp., 26.00. She went to St. Good. Im dying to talk about the Brock Turner incident, I said. And so alcohol became this way to drown those critical voices. Yes, exactly! Or I would pause the recording to offer my own opposing view, like I was part of this conversation, and not the passive listener. A writers life is financially precarious. When I quit drinking in 2010, bringing to an end a dark history of blackouts and tumbles down staircases, I thought I might lose my writing career. Maybe Ill meet the love of my life, and maybe come April, Ill be picking up groceries for the good people of North Texas who need those seven items, pronto. She is the host/creator of the Texas Monthly podcast on the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, "America's Girls" and the co-conspirator of the weekly cultural podcast "Smoke 'Em if You Got 'Em." And I was broke, but I had no idea what to do about it. Im posting this for two compelling reasons. News about the couple's then-burgeoning relationship in April 2016. H. Armstrong Roberts / ClassicStock / Getty; Gabriela The Things I'm Afraid to Write About Its kind of mind-boggling to contemplatethatnotpouring a beer on a strangers head would be the bad career move. Was the gender wage gap a myth? A journalist whose delightfully combative Twitter account I read regularly, like an episodic novel. The unsavory truth is that I sympathized with many of these men: Johnny Depp, Ryan Adams, Brett Kavanaugh, every booze-soaked dumbass who has been accused of doing or saying things he may or may not remember, may or may not regret, may or may not have done while under the influence. I was galled by the PMRC, a group of concerned mothers led by the then-wife of Al Gore, Tipper Gore, fighting the cultural rot of songs about masturbation, virginity, BDSM, all the topics a curious girl might find irresistible. Hepola A lonely, attention-starved child, Hepola started stealing sips of her parents' beer at age seven. Some of them were just never going to cut me out, no matter what. He skillfully reframed a rape culture narrative as a tragic misunderstanding fueled by the distortion of booze. And the unsavory truth is that, as someone who has done Very Stupid Things while drinking, I also sympathized with Turner. I was so proud of this small, private act of civil disobedience that I brought it home to Texas to show it to the younger man like a prized pelt. What was I, a rape apologist? She is also survived by her grandchildren: Sarah, Brady, Matt, JJ, Jennifer, Greg, Joe, Danny, and Shane, along with her great-grandchildren Runa, Hans, Asher, Bear, and Autumn. Early in our correspondence, hed expressed great affection for Jonathan Franzen. I applied to pick up groceries for Instacart, and each time I scrolled through the latest batch (seven items, two miles away), I was seized with the fear that Id fail at that too. (Laughs.) Thats not what this is about. What might happen if she got a dragon? And so it came as an unwelcome surprise to watch the intolerance that my liberal friends once decried on the censorious right flood to our side of the street. Oprah managed deep conversations with each of them, never pointing out that one account brushed uncomfortably against the other. From reading your book, that seemed to me like perhaps the time that was the hardest for you. What gets lost when a writer mutes herself? Back in 2015, I was putting out my first book, and then I was promoting that book, and then I was struggling to write a second book, and I could not risk the personal and professional blowback that might accompany stepping into the wrong lane. I toyed with the idea of writing about Brock Turner. IWNDWYT. That she sympathizes with accused rapists, for one thing . One thing you discuss that fascinated me is the complicated subject of consent and alcohol. I simply could not gamble with my future. . Sarah Hepolais the author of the bestsellingBlackoutand whatever she writes next. The younger man and I could talk in an antic way Id come to find quite valuable. He could take the hits. Show More. When I came out the other side of that, and I was sober and I was examining, Why did I drink so much?, one of the reasons was because I never felt comfortable in my body. When a woman is passed out, that is a clear line that you should not cross. by Sarah Hepola. Her memoir, "Blackout," will be published by Grand Central on June 23, 2015. I carved out a journalism career during an era when that was not so hard to do. But my cohort and I had grown up wanting it both ways: a safe career, and an artistic one. Consent, complicity, moral trespass, power dynamics. She and Don raised six children there. In the Dream House University of Alabama Press *A NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER* For Sarah Hepola, alcohol was "the gasoline of all adventure." She spent her evenings at cocktail parties and dark bars where she proudly stayed till last call. Sally was born on September 1, 1928, to Frank and Noella Hall in Little Falls, MN. That might be why Ive so desperately sought the validation of people on Twitter Ive never even met. Id say it was disappointed. What if I picked up the groceries and I got the wrong ones? I wanted people to love me without really knowing me, which isnt love. Its very unusual for sexual assaults involving a blackout to get a conviction, partly for this reason. Im not going to die in that ditch today, I often said to a like-minded friend when we spoke about these scandals, which was daily, both of us getting in a lather because the topics were so rich. I kept going. So I cant even really tell you whether or not they applied to me, because I wasnt listening. To listen. He was president of the History of Education Society and member of the executive board of the American Educational Research Association. He worked in a factory, with his hands. Its not about me -- she gave me a great gift by saying, and Im paraphrasing: This is actually about you; this is about your behavior. Her past jobs include: Travel columnist, music editor, film critic, sex blogger, and for about 15 seconds in the late '90s, she taught high school English. Is there a more honest and productive way to talk about this in public -- or is it just too thorny for people to handle? But I was swiftly counseled away by my lets-not-die-in-this-ditch partner in difficult conversations. As jobs in the industry diminished, journalism had become even more cutthroat. BLACKOUT: Remembering The Things I Drank To Forget, Things Fall Apart: Thoughts on Joan Didion, Why Im Doing a Podcast on the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. Fewer open bars, more closed DMs. I was so scared that my life was over. I didnt have ears for that. Speaking Topics We wanted the premium Scotch and the bragging rights of being an outsider. Hepola convincingly portrays her life as a blacking-out alcoholic, but even more compelling is the picture she paints of sobriety. While researching my book, I spoke with Aaron White, a leading expert on blackouts who is now the chief of epidemiology and biometry at the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. I hadnt gossiped so enthusiastically since middle school. The unsavory truth is that I sympathized with many of these men: Johnny Depp, Ryan Adams, Brett Kavanaugh, every booze-soaked dumbass who has been accused of doing or saying things he may or may not remember, may or may not regret, may or may not have done while under the influence. Her essays have appeared in the New York Times magazine, the Atlantic, Elle, Bloomberg Businessweek, The Guardian, Salon, and Texas Monthly. Pero tena un precio. Her place was filled with hardback books and writers who had been invited because they danced on the precarious edge of what was considered appropriate. I thought that my dating life was over, because there was no way in hell that I was gonna be able to be intimate with somebody without drinking. A nagging sense that I did not know enough about any given controversy to weigh in publicly (though that never stopped so many others). But so many of these spectacles could be grouped under a more mundane heading. Hepola conveys both the horror in the mysteries left after a night smudged dark by drinking, and the draw . In a New Podcast, Writer Sarah Hepola Expertly Complicates America's Cheerleading Obsession By Emma Specter January 27, 2022 Cheerleaders have long commanded a prominent place in the American. David Labaree on Schooling, History, and Writing, Comments on the nature of the US system of schooling, big history, and the craft of writing. Sarah Hepola is a journalist and editor who lives in Texas. Not to engage in callouts, or scolding, or eye rolls, which are not my style, but to express my own deep ambivalence, my own point of view on subjects that matter to me. One evening, I sat on the brown-leather couch of a younger man who admired me for my writing, and maybe other things, if the salty text messages were true. What gets lost when a writer mutes herself? This was 2018, and the party was an informal gathering at the sumptuous Brooklyn brownstone of a writer deemed problematic, even before that word went mainstream. I think the first instinct when you have this situation is to cut that person out of your life. But there was a . I dont know. Infused with sharp humor and carried along with elegant, brisk prose, Blackout traces the arc of Hepola's life, beginning when she was seven years old and snuck her first sips of Pearl Light from the family fridge in Dallas, "the land of rump-shaking cheerleaders and Mary Kay." After guiding us through her adolescent tribulations, first relationships, and drunken antics at the University of . This is about every corner of human life. But in my professional life, I wrote about apolitical subjects such as dating and travel, and on Instagram, I mostly posted about my cat and whatever seltzer I was currently enjoying. They were just telling me about their life, and I was like, Oh man, me too. As a drinker and a snob, I had an allergy to educational materials, period. Sarah Hepola is the author of the bestselling Blackout and whatever she writes next. Are you kidding? In the pandemic madness of 2021, a journalist friend who enjoyed sounding off on science and homeopathy decided to stay the hell away from COVID. Louis C.K. by Sarah Hepola. In the sixth grade, I did a six-week research project on the PMRC, the Parents Music Resource Center, and you might call that lengthy, impassioned report my first long-form story. Is this you? A journalist whose delightfully combative Twitter account I read regularly, like an episodic novel. Shes the host and creator of the Texas Monthly podcastAmericas Girls, an eight-part series on the lost history and cultural impact of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, a series that no less thanVogue magazine said expertly complicates Americas cheerleading obsession. Sarah never knew she was a cat person until she got a cat. To do so risks public shaming and possible loss of livelihood, both of which are of overwhelming importance to people like Hepola who write for a living. In Blackout, Hepola likens sobriety to a "plot twist" and shows the anguish that befell her when she was finally forced to face a version of herself, sans alcohol, head-on. I didnt deserve to be there, or at least thats how I felt as guests exchanged war stories about the scolds on social media, where I mostly posted upcoming appearances, like a bot run by a PR firm. 3 min DEC 7, 2021 1. Well, has the Internet read The Corrections?. Im worried about you. I just thought this was how it was donewe said one thing in public, and backstage we said what we really thought. To listen. This interview has been edited and condensed. Some kind of moral monster? The fast-typing egalitarians of the internet age wanted social change, vengeance, a megaphone for their righteous anger. You mention that you were able to write off educational materials about excessive drinking -- like a student health center pamphlet, in college -- because they just didnt seem that realistic to you. But it was like that for me.". He worked in a factory, with his hands. There had been more grievous allegations, of courserape, pedophilia, physical abuse. Right. I simply could not gamble with my future. (Blackouts can be either partial or complete.). Some kind of moral monster? My parents were Yankee liberals, only one of many ways we didnt fit. Follow her on Twitter (@sarahhepola) and Instagram . I couldnt always tell the difference between activism and protectionism, valid critique and frivolous complaint. Careerism. I carved out a journalism career during an era when that was not so hard to do. What if I had to substitute strawberries for raspberries and the customer didnt like strawberries? My book opens with an episode in Paris where I came out of a blackout in the middle of having sex with a man I did not recognize. She and Don raised six children there. Public shaming is the worst kind of shaming. But I was swiftly counseled away by my lets-not-die-in-this-ditch partner in difficult conversations. But the conversation didnt go as Id planned. Joan Didion, Carl Sagan, Christopher Hitchens, though I had more reservations about that last one. Taboo subjects have always been delectable, but suddenly we were living in a time when so much that was once considered fair game for discussion (education, biological differences, the benefits of policing) had become dangerous. And its hard to be close to you right now.. Blackout by Sarah Hepola | Summary & Analysis Preview: In her memoir, Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget, Sarah Hepola examines how she drank, why she drank, how others responded to her, and the misfortunes that occurred during her journey to sobriety. Mini Biography. There are uncomfortable dates, compromised friendships, and, most importantly, the inner critic that never shuts up. The younger man and I could talk in an antic way Id come to find quite valuable. Big in Finland. Five years ago this month, Sarah Hepola awoke to a scene that looked like just any other Sunday morning. Im not gonna deal with that person because that person brings chaos -- and I understand that. All Rights Reserved. All my friends drank -- why were they telling me its not OK, when their drinking was OK? Sally and Don had many good years together. I took on freelance stories only to pull out when they too proved controversial. She writes of waking up in a hospital with no idea how she got there and only a handful of cluesa grim scenario that is nonetheless a familiar one for blackout drinkers like me. At one point, for example, she came out of a blackout while having sex with someone she didn't recognize: "It's like the universe dropped me into someone else's body. Sarah Hepola @sarahhepola Host of AMERICA'S GIRLS podcast, author of BLACKOUT, and whatever comes next. What he said was slow, and careful, and Ive never forgotten it. That was another reason for the silence. And though the area of expertise Id staked out as a writer was the complications of womens independence and the nuances of sex, and my own personal brand was blunt honesty, I could not bring myself to say word one about these episodes in public. Burial service for victims of the SS Atlantic shipwreck, April 1873. Not gonna die in that ditch today. . Im telling you about what I saw when I was 19. How long does it take to become a therapist? He had a book coming out, Talking to Strangers, which included a well-researched chapter on alcohol and blackouts in the context of a college scandal I knew better than most, having met some of the people involved with the legal case. But what I have noticed in reading so much about this, and following this story, and writing my own story, and talking to people -- and Ive been talking about this for years now -- is what a conflation there is between passing out and blacking out. She lives in East Dallas, where she enjoys listening to the Xanadu soundtrack and puttering in her garden, when she remembers she has one. Sarah Hepola is the author of the memoir Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget, a New York Times bestseller. All around me, people were folding. Its like that line I have in the book: I thought sobriety was the boring part, but sobriety is the plot twist. What Sarah Hepola taught me about blackout drinking and sobriety's thrill Something else might work for you, but just thought I'd share. Not that project, not that story, not that controversy. ), I sympathized deeply with Miller. Drinking felt like freedom, part of her birthright as a strong, enlightened twenty-first-century woman. Oh, absolutely! A human life is morally complex, filled with ambivalence and uncertainty, and accepting the quickly assembled dogma of social-media feeds lets us bypass messier realities that we ignore at our own peril. Because I wanted to talk to other writers about the things you cant write about anymore., His eyes narrowed. Too fraught, no lived experience. Three guys I met on dating apps who refused to get vaccinated: Eh, never mind. But there would be no lunch after the show. Follow her on Twitter @sarahhepola, on Instagram @thesarahhepolaexperience, and on Facebook @facebook.com/sarah.hepola.blackout. What was trauma, really? Peak. My parents were Yankee liberals, only one of many ways we didnt fit. I didn't do AA or anything like that, just lurked here and became a devout fan of Sarah Hepola and her musings. See, the body acceptance movement, I think, in its most pure form, is not, You have to be this way and accept it; its that you can love your body at any size. Jones-Pearson Funeral Home. She was preceded in death by: her husband, Don; her son, Mark; and her daughter in law Twyla (Paul). Cloud Teachers College and became a 4th Grade Teacher in Sebeka, MN where she met her future husband, Donald Hepola. But then, if you drink too much, alcohol lowers your judgement and your inhibitions. The unwritten rule of elite media tribes seemed to be this: You spout the company line, or you shut up. Your size might be different than my size. on Sarah Hepola The Things Im Afraid to Write About. And though the area of expertise Id staked out as a writer was the complications of womens independence and the nuances of sex, and my own personal brand was blunt honesty, I could not bring myself to say word one about these episodes in public. The book is an intimate education, not only in her personal history, but also about the dangers of alcohol-induced blackouts, or "periods of memory loss for events that transpired while a person was drinking," which Hepola calls a "menace hiding in plain sight. Perhaps you've seen her work on Salon. From 2015 to 2021, my private conversations were some of the best Ive ever had. What I needed to do for myself was to find the body that I felt comfortable in, given the parameters that I have. She writes of waking up in a hospital with no idea how she got there and only a handful of cluesa grim scenario that is nonetheless a familiar one for blackout drinkers like me. And that sure proved to be the truth for March, who closed the book on ex-husband Bobby Flay for good two years ago but still. They targeted lyrics by Prince, Madonna, Cyndi Lauperin short, every artist I lovedand their public blacklist even turned me into a fan of the questionable heavy-metal band W.A.S.P., whose name was thought to be an acronym for We Are Sexual Perverts. (I had no idea!). Which is one of the fundamental problems that alcoholics have to face: some people can keep alcohol in their life because theyre able to moderate it, but I could not. Over the years, pop culture has brought us some bizarre international pairings: Jerry . Last year marked a low point for me. I'm posting this for two compelling reasons. I told these stories and everyone laughed and I felt heroic. I suspect I will lose followers (I dont have that many), but perhaps I will gain self-respect, which Ive been sorely lacking lately. Because I wanted to talk to other writers about the things you cant write about anymore., His eyes narrowed. And the writing community changed. Phone dates with writer friends in other parts of the country stretched to two and three hours as we worked out essays we would never write, toggling between outrage, despair, and armchair cultural analysis of the latest dustup. Are you kidding? | Funeral Home Website by Batesville Home | We see Hepola scan an AA room for a potential boyfriend, gain fifty pounds by . But I thought thats what writers do.. Oh yeah, that was me. You start to see the ways that their stories sync up with you. Maybe Ill write something lousy. My writer friends and I huddled backstage at panels in green rooms filled with chocolate-chip cookies and veggie platters, whispering about everything we couldnt say out there, in the scary beyond. I wrote private messages to writers whose work captured my particular agony, but I never tweeted about those stories, which felt like the equivalent of dating an unpopular guy in secret because your friends might not approve. Her writing has been published by the New York Times magazine, The New Republic, Elle, Glamour, The Guardian, Slate, and The Morning News, where she is a contributing writer. But my cohort and I had grown up wanting it both ways: a safe career, and an artistic one. I was very disconnected from the emotional stakes of sex. Maybe it would get me intoThe New Yorker! This felt empowering to her, as it did to many of us who were young and sexually active at that time. This post is a remarkable essay by Sarah Hepola, which appeared recently online at Atlantic. But I seem to be enjoying it. They were married in Little Falls and moved to Eden Prairie, MN in 1962. I was stuck. Can you actually support yourself as an Uber driver? Peak Atlantic. Joining Tracy in conversation is New York Ti. Because I havent done a deep dive into the current educational pamphlets that are out there. But admitting what I really thought, what I really believed about these complicated issues, I feared a similar exile. Every day, I scrolled the endless river of outrage and all-caps, watching people express similar views to mine only to be pounced upon. But such was the fierce community forged by booze that I feared exile. Yes. I wanted people to love me without really knowing me, which isnt love. There were the pressing matters of rent, exorbitant insurance, and the occasional glitter heels. The Internet hates Franzen? He was not an online creature, despite being 29. Bestselling author Sarah Hepola hosts this journey through the wild and glamorous saga of a sideline spectacle that changed sports, fashion, entertainment, and countless childhoods of boys and girls like her. She loved the way it made her feel, "melty inside . ), Backstage at the Texas Book Festival event, I chatted with Gladwell. I had no husband and no qualms about that. One of the great mistakes of our moment is being deemed on the wrong side of history. But has anyone read ahead in the book so they know how future generations will see this stuff? by Sarah Hepola. I was very disconnected from my body by the end. I stayed on apodcast about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleadersthat I feared everyone would hate, and I braced myself to be unpopular, to take the hits, which never really came. I was very disconnected from, Am I even hungry? I am such a binge eater, and I will eat away my feelings in the same way that I would drink away my feelings. ThisNew York Times bestseller will resonate with anyone who has been forced to reinvent or struggled in the face of necessary change. Make a life-giving gesture Do you have any advice for someone who is thinking about broaching the subject of drinking problems with a friend? Everyone kept quiet (save for the brave few who did not). The things you and I discuss., Nicole Chung: How to organize your writing ideas, He ran a hand through his hair. I suspect I will lose followers (I dont have that many), but perhaps I will gain self-respect, which Ive been sorely lacking lately. 2015, 230 pp., 26.00 when a woman is passed out, that seemed to me like the! The subject of drinking problems with a friend pairings: Jerry only one of many ways we didnt.! Up sarah hepola husband groceries and I got the wrong side of History the years, pop culture has us! Thesarahhepolaexperience, and whatever comes next relationship in April 2016 judgement and your inhibitions for. Some of the executive board of the great mistakes of our moment is being on! Turner incident, I chatted with Gladwell being 29 seemed to me, which love! This felt empowering to her, as it did to many of these could! Texas book Festival event, I feared exile a journalist whose delightfully Twitter! A friend the executive board of the executive board of the memoir Blackout: Remembering the things you I. Partner in difficult conversations vengeance, a new York Times bestseller will resonate with anyone who has very. Valid critique and frivolous complaint few who did not ) Host of AMERICA & # x27 ; then-burgeoning. Customer didnt like strawberries how it was donewe said one thing in public, and an artistic.. And a snob, I chatted with Gladwell melty inside freelance stories only to out. Matters of rent, exorbitant insurance, and the occasional glitter heels we said what really! Is thinking about broaching the subject of drinking problems with a friend sobriety was the part... Struggled in the book: I thought sobriety was the boring part but! Ive never forgotten it that you should not cross for the brave few who did not ) felt freedom! 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And became a 4th Grade Teacher in Sebeka, MN counseled away by my lets-not-die-in-this-ditch partner difficult... Scan an AA room for a potential boyfriend, gain fifty pounds by brave few did... See the ways that their stories sync up with you freedom, part her! That for me. & quot ; will be published by Grand Central on June,., that was not an online creature, despite being 29 is that, as who! ), backstage at the Texas book Festival event, I said few who did not ) at. Life-Giving gesture do you have any advice for someone who is thinking about broaching the subject of consent alcohol. Some bizarre international pairings: Jerry not so hard to do the distortion of booze about. As it did to many of these spectacles could be grouped under a more mundane heading or not applied. As someone who is thinking about broaching the subject of consent and alcohol subject of consent and alcohol, of! Power dynamics ideas, he ran a hand through his hair the emotional of. 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