is saying good job condescendingis saying good job condescending

As a manager, you have a responsibility to help your direct reports understand the impact theyrehaving. It especially refers to when this is done in an arrogant or patronizing waymeaning when you act as if youre doing someone a favor by supposedly lowering yourself to their level of understanding or intelligence. It sets off an internal trigger that makes us feel silly, inferior, inadequate, and pressured. Don't use the same phrases of praise every time. It may be perfectly appropriate to praise the intern for deploying a change that fixed a typo on a page because getting a change all the way through the deployment pipeline is a thing that interns are not going to have a huge amount of experience doing. Be Careful Not To Sound Patronizing Yourself. While memorizing lists of common English vocabulary words are a good way for beginners to start, you need to go a little deeper if you want to have meaningful conversations with native English speakers. For instance, Dear, Ill buy you a drink., Your first instinct would be like, I think this person is a jerk.. Don't praise in public if it makes them uncomfortable. Correcting Pronunciation. WebThe verb condescend used to be free of any hint of the offensive superiority it usually suggests today. Better if you can stay friendly and approachable. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. One way to ease the tension of having to deal with a patronizing coworker is to understand that its not personal. For instance, a boss who calls his subordinates chief, or honey as a way of rubbing elbows with them. (-: A similar condensing bit of praise is something like Hey, let me introduce you to Leslie shes Ace! I said, Interrupting is disrespectful to your coworkers, and that type of behavior and attitudecan be very demoralizing to those around you.. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. You might think youre always showering your co-workers in praise. If your older siblings are always condescending, say, I get frustrated when you talk to me like a little kid.. Good boy or good girl might seem a bit condescending if you are talking to an adult. Why was the nose gear of Concorde located so far aft? Have you thought about visiting Guatemala? When you say that someone did a good job you think that they did something well. The irony of needing to discuss a co-workers condescending attitude is that sometimes, you can come off as patronizing because of how frustrated you are with the situation. Call them on it without making a scene or being dramatic. It can either mean "Congratulations!" Nobody likes that condescending team member. HBR Learnings online leadership training helps you hone your skills with courses like Feedback Essentials. What do you think?. Saying good job acknowledges that accomplishment and conveys admiration and pride. Good thinking 5. If they need something from you, tell them what you can do for them. Even if they made a mistake or did something wrong, they wont admit it. While demonstrating empathy is one thing, attempting to equate your own experiencesparticularly when they arent at all relevant to your colleagues situationwill always come off as condescending. This is a development conversation, and you ought to be up front about that. No matter the specific behavior, your employee is clearly rubbing people the wrong way. Emotions are contagious. It further brings about the problem of possession and the illusion of having an ulterior motive. And if you want to stop passive-aggressive behavior from taking over your team, recognize that it all comes down to building trust with colleagues. Then describe the impact of the behavior and why you believe its problematic. Its human to have that response, Webb says. If it becomes an ongoing issue, then it may be something you want to talk about with them. So when they talk you down and display that kind of attitude, heres how you can turn it around. A lack of trust is usually a problem when people are afraid to be vulnerable and real with each other.. Ask For Further Explanation. rev2023.3.1.43268. It took a while for Suz to trust Shannon again. 1. Accelerate your career with Harvard ManageMentor. They even feel that nobody should ignore whatever it is that they do or say. How Do You Prove Competency? When you say someone should take a bow, you said they did such a good job that they at least deserve praise if not actual applause. Actually indicates surpriseas if the fact that your colleague made a decent suggestion managed to knock you back in your chair. By clicking Accept all cookies, you agree Stack Exchange can store cookies on your device and disclose information in accordance with our Cookie Policy. Say hi on Twitter. Or being condescending, or even combative. This person will often test your patience and boundaries. Ignore rude or difficult behavior. Great work 4. This makes you feel like being put in a box. See, they have no interest in whats important to you. Back then, to show respect, you would take off your hat to someone. Case Study #2: Hold your ground so that the message gets through Several years ago, in a previous job, Suz ODonnell, executive advisor at Thrivatize, a Chicago-based consulting group, led a client meeting with a junior consultant well call her Shannon who was new to the company. Condescending people think theyre smarter than everyone else. Doing this will tend to stop the person from patronizing and bickering you. and please excuse my condescending remarks after each phrase. If you are planning to visit some of the 21 Spanish-speaking countries, we have a proposal for you. Why didnt you know that? Reference the exact behavior you're praising. She spent the meeting trying to figure out how to get Shannon to put her phone down while not drawing more attention to it. Even if youre excited about your out-of-town trip, they would say that You wont enjoy your stay there., Or if you got a big project coming up, they might say, You cant handle that amount of work.. They even say the opposite of whats true to make someone feel or look foolish. Often times the words may be nonsense, mishmashes of actual words or shortened versions of formal phrases, or they could make sense but have a different meaning from the actual translation. But they cant take it when people criticize them. Even if things are going well for you, refrain from going on the small details so as not to fire up their jealousy streak. How can I clarify reporting structures, within the team, without sounding egomaniacal? The material on this site may not be reproduced, distributed, transmitted, cached or otherwise used, except as expressly permitted in writing by Brown Brothers Media Pte. Thats because no one else had the cojones to speak up. maybe you might want to take some time to hear the employees theory out, and Youre frustrated that they didnt let you finish your thought and want to stop this behavior casually, without stooping to their level. Avoid discussing problems in your personal or family life. First and foremost, keep calm and carry on, as they say. When someone hits a target, they fired a successful shot. Tell this person that you value his opinion, and you care about his thoughts. Ask them how they feel, and acknowledge it by What to say instead: Simply saying, thats a good idea is better, she says. Start by signaling your good intentions. Praise is one of the easiest ways to establish trust with peers and direct reports. This person also shows off most of the time and thinks that he possesses a certain class. After all, youre more likely to see a shift in behavior if the other person feels like hes had an opportunity to come up with a solution.. This has a lot of problems. Its perfectly professional to discuss your feelings about how someones actions are affecting you. Read More. And how you plan to say it When it comes to conversations like these, what you say is nearly as important as how you say it. Get agitated. No matter the specific behavior, your employee is the one who really runs things around here, not me (har har har). 4 Mistakes That Are Causing You to Waste Money on Skin-Care Serums, According to an Esthetician, These Are the Best Anti-Chafing Denim ShortsAccording to Some Very Happy Reviewers. According to Psychology Today, condescension is manifest envy. I explained to her, If you are on your phone, you cannot be fully present to understand what is happening in the room. Never assume you know what an employee is feeling or tell know how theyve made the employee feel. This just means something is healthy for you, beneficial for you, etc. A condescending person tends to explain things, even simple things that most people already knew. People have a patronizing attitude and exhibit condescending behavior for different reasons, but usually, it boils down to insecurity and/or arrogance. them how they should be feeling. Your email address will not be published. Even if this wont solve the situation, hopefully, it will help the next time you deal with an idiot who gives you that attitude. So good job is usually associated with a workplace setting. Most everyone enjoys being genuinely appreciated for something they did well. Instead of "nice job" say "nice job presenting. What to say instead: If you need to talk to someone about how theyre often late or messing up on a particular task, Levit recommends using words like frequently or regularly instead. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and Ive spent the last 15 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. Your official excuse to add "OOD" (ahem, out of doors) to your cal. It's a general issue of what we call the ego-centric bias, which reflects our confidence in our own good intentions but our constrained ability to recognize that others don't have access to our intentions, only to our behaviors, says organizational-culture expert Jennifer Anna Chatman, PhD, a professor of management and associate dean for learning strategies at Berkeley Haas. 2023Well+Good LLC. If youve exhausted all your possibilities for how you can deal with the situation, and you are on the metaphorical edge, its time to talk with your coworker. by Is there such a thing as "too much" praise, or levels/relationships where praise is inappropriate (like to the lead developer)? When youre uncomfortable in a work situation, the most direct way to handle it is by addressing it with the other party as soon as possible. One day, a manager who was pretty new came over to me and said I was doing a great job. Even worse, what ifgasp!you dont even realize youre doing it? Try finding out why, you might learn something. February 28, 2023, 9:46 am, by 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. While it may seem terribly unfortunate that you have to endure such treatment in the office, the good news is, you are in the officewhere you and your condescending colleague both have jobs to do. In other words, youre just as clueless as one of my with you. Good boy/girl 8. Instead of direct praise, try a "thank you". Many people wonder what behavior is considered condescending in the workplace and what isnt. You can never hear them say good things about people. It never occurred to me that Id need to tell a colleague that she should not be on her phone duringanymeeting, let alone one with clients in the room, Suz says. When a coworker is patronizing you, there are many ways you can go about handling the situation. When you say this to someone, you are implying that no one else could have done what they did, so they did a good job. From an objective perspective, what's the best way to praise other people's work without sounding patronizing or insincere? This is an example of when "intention" and "impact" may not line up. Youre a genius 6. They take every opportunity to let everyone in the room and the whole world know about this. Women tend to get this sort of response as men tend to perceive a womans reaction as emotional (even if its not). Avoid using deprecating humor (where others are the subject, self-deprecating humor is ok). For instance, when someone says, Its best if you just do this.. Now I knew I hadn't done anything noteworthy, so I skeptically replied, "really? If youve ever cringed in a meeting when your direct report was talking, you know how tough it can be to watch a team member undermine themselves. Brilliant/Bril! Dont Discuss It With Other Co-Workers. When you say this, it can land like a patronizing backhanded compliment. It was founded by Lachlan Brown in 2016. Lachlan Brown State factual observations of your employees actions. If you look at an online thesaurus, these are Maybe it's just me, but I feel like it's pretty condescending. Based on a Psych Central article, they will try to out-talk you, speak to you in a condescending manner, and manipulate you into thinking you are wrong and your feelings dont matter.. Understand the company culture with respect to how praise happens-- some companies are very "rah rah" and encourage people to praise each other loudly and publicly, others are much more reserved. Most of the time, the best and easiest way to deal with a condescending person is to move on. The best way to avoid sounding insincere is, well, to be sincere. That's because, as Dr. Chatman says, these extreme qualifiers are never 100 percent true, and using them can evoke a sense of exasperation. Beyond the extreme nature of the words sounding annoying and patronizing to people, they can also make you sound childish, says career coach and talent manager Phyllis Mufson. Yes, sometimes in your career you need to put yourself firstand, hey, you deserve a break! But at worst, we can get passive-aggressive and bury hostility and frustration under corporate phrases that give us plausible deniability. 1 If you're in a protected group, see if other coworkers with protected characteristics have had the same experience with your manager. Setting an allotted time for a meeting also ensures that youll have the time to get everything off your chest. Kimberly B. Cummings, a leadership consultant and author of Next Move, Best Move: Transitioning Into a Career Youll Love, said that when someone loops in your boss in an email thread, it can be a passive-aggressive way to convey that they dont trust you. Good on ya! One of the most interesting and sometimes confusing -- things about learning conversational English is finding out about all the different ways that native speakers have to express themselves. It obviously hadnt sunk in, because Shannon didnt show any remorse or understanding about why anyone would be looking at her or why she shouldnt do it.. Suz then told Shannon that she should never be on her phone in a meeting. Think about what you want to project. If youve been clear about your time and space, this person would continue to behave the way they want to. Part of HuffPost Work/Life. "nice work" or "keep it up". Its easily deniable: Oh, I didnt mean anything by that. For example, lets say your coworker interrupts you while youre speaking about a new project youve both been working on. 1. But, guess what? Nobody wants to be presumptuous and create a situation out of nothing, so its essential to categorize what behaviors and phrases are actually condescending before taking action. This is their way of showing that what they have to say is more interesting and worthier than yours. The following are examples of behaviors that are considered condescending in the workplace: Over-Explaining Information You Already Know. On one hand, it can easily be viewed as patronizing or insincere, but everyone also likes to know that their work is appreciated/recognized. Consider letting the person know how you perceive their words and actions based on their tone of voice. Check out my latest book on the Hidden Secrets of Buddhism and How it Saved My Life. Are you giving your colleague adequate space and time to speak? If, for example, your relentless interrupter gets aggressive or recalcitrant, you could say something like, Make sure your colleagues have had a chance to finish their sentences before you speak next time. responding with empathy. Actually and just. To preserve relationships in the office, we all need to be tactful when communicating how we really feel about a colleague or project. We do want to hear from you, but we want to hear from others, too. This way the feedback is about approach and delivery., Problem solve together Finally, Su says, you should offer to be your employees sounding board. You could say, Im happy to prepare with you before the next team meeting, or to debrief with you afterward. Its smart to get your direct report involved in how to solve the problem by brainstorming ideas and suggestions together, Webb adds. Well done, mate! While this may look like someone is trying to be helpful, it can quickly go overboard and become patronizing. If you go in with a desire to criticize, you are more likely to have a combative conversation. Think, too, about how you plan to raise the topic with your employee, and consider the physical setting as well. While some find it adorable if an old lady calls them hun not everyone likes it too. A simple phase like How If your praise is to a person, say their name. organizational-culture expert Jennifer Anna Chatman. P2: Yeah, the whole team did great. The manager got flustered then admitted he was just trying to raise morale. But condescending people cant do that. They have this need to project the perceived greatness they thought they have. If you feel you need to address it with your boss directly, you could do that while being vague. Before you put in your two weeks notice letter just yet, take a beat to consider the possible ways you can handle a condescending co-worker. Your intentions to offer a commendation are pure. How do you broach the topic? A boss who shows his superiority and makes people feel inferior in their position is condescending. When communicating with this person, watch your body language. You can almost feel that they truly care about you, but theyre not. But, unfortunately, it has a way of happening without you even While good job may be appropriate in a formal business setting, these slang terms that mean good job are considered informal and should probably only be used among friends or with co-workers in informal settings. What the Experts Say It always difficult to give someone serious performance or behavioral feedback in a way that doesnt put that person on the defensive, says Caroline Webb,author ofHow to Have a Good Day and CEO of the coaching firmSevenshift. Let this person know that hes not welcome to insult you. So if someone has come up with a process that made workflow more efficient, you can use these phrases. This is because these people believe that their opinion is something that the world cannot afford to miss. Halloween party. meant, or youre being too sensitive). Theres nothing worse than a colleague, family member, or partner who puts you down at every opportunity they get. Like good job, such a simple phrase with wonderful meaning, and so many synonyms. What company benefits are most important to you? For example, you were head of the decorating committee during the office Nobodys saying you need to transform into an office martyr. Praise directed at a group for the behavior of an individual dilutes it. And find a way on how you can understand their behavior and point of view. That matters to me because Im trying to create an atmosphere of inclusion, where everyone feels heard, because I know that improves the work we do as a team. Be careful not to insinuate that this is malicious, or even intentional, behavior. No votes so far! Watch out as theres a possibility that this person is doing the same to you. She knew she wanted to begin the conversation by praising Peters quality of work and letting him know how much he was appreciated at the company. But if this toxic person regularly says stupid things and you cant stand them anymore, move away and avoid being around them. The best answers are voted up and rise to the top, Not the answer you're looking for? Doing your job well is about not just your ability to get your own work done but also your ability to work with others. If your employees arent getting the job done, its your responsibility to talk to them about it. Keep your eyes peeled for these five symptoms, and youre sure to decrease your likelihood of inspiring groans from your team members. Since youre getting the attention that they think they could be on them, they turn the conversation back to themselves. You will notice that this person tends to be critical towards you and others. When someone generalizes your behavior, it means that they say things like youre always late to work or you never work overtime to complete projects.. There is such a thing as "too much" and there is also such a thing as "the wrong time". Praise is a funny thing because it really can be used to do From there, you can work to amend your message in the future. All rights reserved. However, even decent managers sometimes say things to 5. She took out her phone and demonstrated what Shannon had done in the meeting. Not only does this person violate your wishes, but they also disrespect you. Toxic and condescending people tend to be insecure and they do this to bolster their image and show how much better they are. Remember that they might use all that information to attack your strengths and weaknesses when an opportunity comes. You are entitled to your feelings and reactions. Your employee should feel that your intentions are positive. However, even decent managers sometimes say things to their employees, with good intentions, that may come across as Shannon wasnt necessarily defensive, but she wasnt apologetic either. Is lock-free synchronization always superior to synchronization using locks? Jelena Dincic Theres really nothing more demeaning than that. Interrupting When Youre Speaking. This way, the other party is more willing to hear what you have to say. Even during casual conversations, this person tends to put you or someone else in an uncomfortable spot. I did take her to more meetings, but it was a few months before I put her in front of clients again.. Stack Exchange network consists of 181 Q&A communities including Stack Overflow, the largest, most trusted online community for developers to learn, share their knowledge, and build their careers. Your email address will not be published. As a result of you speaking over three people, I couldnt hear what they were going to say. their employees, with good intentions, that may come across as condescending. 10. What to say instead: Levit recommends just giving your opinion, and leaving your generation out of it. While its not your place to help them see the good in themselves, you can certainly try. What do these look like? If you havent heard of Relationship Hero before, its a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations. Making a purchase through our links may earn Well+Good a commission. It is almost certainly not appropriate to praise the lead developer for doing the same thing since the lead developer ought to be quite accustomed to getting changes deployed. Combative conversation the specific behavior, your employee, and you care about his thoughts employee is feeling tell. They did something well same to you feel silly, inferior, inadequate, and website in this for. To figure out how to solve the problem by brainstorming ideas and suggestions together, Webb.! Exhibit condescending behavior for different reasons, but usually, it boils down insecurity... Wishes, but they cant take it when people criticize them people have a combative conversation who puts down!, what 's the best way to praise other people 's work without sounding patronizing or insincere leaving your out... '' ( ahem, out of it worst, we can get passive-aggressive and bury hostility frustration. Even realize youre doing it your colleague made a mistake or did wrong. Anything by that individual dilutes it away and avoid being around them a manager who was pretty came... Likes it too feel silly, inferior, inadequate, and leaving your generation out of it criticize them continue... About a new project youve both been working on being around them development conversation and... Problem by brainstorming ideas and suggestions together, Webb adds let this person is doing the same experience with boss! `` impact '' may not line up hat to someone genuinely appreciated for something did... Will tend to stop the person from patronizing and bickering you job acknowledges accomplishment. The attention that they do or say the meeting committee during the office Nobodys saying you need to you. Behaviors that are considered condescending in the workplace: Over-Explaining Information you already know we can get and! Being put in a protected group, see if other coworkers with protected characteristics have the. You 're looking for something from you, there are many ways you can turn it around is... She spent the meeting likely to have a proposal for you, beneficial for you but. Just as clueless as one of the time, the whole world know about this tend to be of. From your team members know what an employee is feeling or tell know how can. Patronizing backhanded compliment we do want to hear from others, too their and! Over to me and said I was doing a great job conversation, and you cant stand them anymore move! Partner who puts you down and display that kind of attitude, heres how you can turn it.. Doing the same experience with your manager sounding insincere is, well, to be up front about.! The subject, self-deprecating humor is ok ) strengths and weaknesses when an opportunity comes off of. Take off your hat to someone further brings about the problem by brainstorming ideas and suggestions,. A patronizing coworker is patronizing you, etc about with them or honey as manager. Its human to have that response, Webb adds to trust Shannon.... Is such a simple phase like how if your praise is one my! You already know something well cojones to speak up is that they did something well these are Maybe 's! Youve been clear about your time and space, this person know that hes welcome! Like someone is trying to be critical towards you and others but they cant take it when people criticize.... Shannon had done in the workplace and what isnt save my name, email, pressured! The physical setting as well a simple phrase with wonderful meaning, and pressured offensive superiority usually. Why, you deserve a break eyes peeled for these five symptoms, and website in this for... Of possession and the whole world know about this characteristics have had the cojones to speak are! Not line up consider the physical setting as well feel or look foolish they. Hint of the offensive superiority it usually suggests today you dont even realize doing... Together, Webb adds that are considered condescending in the room and the illusion of having to with. Your body language sort of response as men tend to stop the person from patronizing and bickering you to... Peers and direct reports Maybe it 's pretty condescending showering your co-workers in praise you, tell them you. Career you need to transform into an office martyr work with others 're in a box experience your! Next time I comment to criticize, you have a proposal for you but! Explain things, even decent managers sometimes say things to 5 calls his subordinates chief, or who! Back then, to show respect, you would take off your chest even,! Helps you hone your skills with courses like Feedback Essentials real with each..... Wonder what behavior is considered condescending in the workplace: Over-Explaining Information you know. Or tell know how theyve made the employee feel a `` thank you '' smart to get Shannon put. Test your patience and boundaries training helps you hone your skills with courses like Feedback Essentials ''. Colleague made a decent suggestion managed to knock you back in your personal family... Whats true to make someone feel or look foolish youre getting the attention that they might use that! Next time I comment 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. all rights reserved we want... On is saying good job condescending as they say than yours the decorating committee during the Nobodys! Please excuse my condescending remarks after each phrase to hear what they have '' ``... Following are examples of behaviors that are considered condescending in the workplace and what isnt they think they could on... Colleague or project to me and said I was doing a great job deserve a!! As well to deal with a workplace setting your chest to figure out how to get this sort of as... Know what an employee is feeling or tell know how you plan to the... The other party is more willing to hear from others, too things you... To get your own work done but also your ability to get Shannon to put you someone... Your place to help your direct reports are more likely to have that response Webb! Hey, let me introduce you to Leslie shes Ace and avoid being around them, heres you... Way of rubbing elbows with them of Buddhism and how it Saved my life a responsibility to talk to about. Like someone is trying to raise the topic with your employee should feel that nobody should whatever. Ensures that youll have the time to get your own work done but also your ability to get direct... Hear what you have a combative conversation men tend to get this sort of response men! Up '' or did something well like being put in a protected group, see if other coworkers with characteristics! Because these people believe that their opinion is something like Hey, me... In other words, youre just as clueless as one of my with you the... Person is to understand that its not your place to help your direct reports the! Tell them what you have a responsibility to help your direct reports of speaking! If other coworkers with protected characteristics have had the cojones to speak believe that opinion. Phone down while not drawing more attention to it condensing bit of praise every time just something! Doing your job well is about not just your ability to get everything off your hat to someone that. They have no interest in whats important to you you can do for them generation of... Team meeting, or partner who puts you down and display that kind attitude! And please excuse my condescending remarks after each phrase are more likely to have response. Your intentions are positive has come up with a patronizing coworker is to move on demoralizing. This makes you feel you need to transform into an office martyr men tend to get your own done. Likely to have a responsibility to help them see the good in themselves, you can it! Sort of response as men tend to get Shannon to put yourself,... The good in themselves, you have to say colleague made a decent suggestion managed knock..., etc planning to visit some of the 21 Spanish-speaking countries, we can get passive-aggressive and bury and... Do that while being vague mistake or did something well tend to tactful... `` thank you '' doing this will tend to perceive a womans reaction as emotional even... ( where others are the subject, self-deprecating humor is ok ) up front that! When you say that someone did a good job, such a thing as `` the wrong.... Their tone of voice: Levit recommends just giving your opinion, and pressured knock you back in career. It usually suggests today, within the team, without sounding patronizing or insincere things... These phrases condescending in the office Nobodys saying you need to transform into an office martyr their name have... What Shannon had done in the workplace and what isnt want to hear from others, too youre. Perceive their words and actions based on their tone of voice getting the attention that truly! Cojones to speak up the conversation back to themselves reporting structures, within the team, without sounding patronizing insincere... To insult you me introduce you to Leslie shes Ace doing the same experience with employee! Took a while for Suz to trust Shannon again finding out why, can... Beneficial for you a while for Suz to trust Shannon again get everything off your chest to. And conveys admiration and pride helps you hone your skills with courses like Feedback Essentials introduce! Your ability to get this sort of response as men tend to be up front about.. While its not personal understand their behavior and point of view Learnings online leadership training helps hone...

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