husband wants to spend every weekend with his familyhusband wants to spend every weekend with his family

Its time for him to grow up. WebHere are potential reasons why your husband goes out every weekend without you. He spends 80% of his free time with his parents AND they guilt them when they leave after an entire day AND they show up Sunday morning before he leaves. She is communicating to us, that even though she is coming up short on the finance side, if her live in boyfriend eased off the time with the family visiting, she wouuld be ok. ForeverYoung Its different having lunch with your parents or spending a couple hours with them every weekend. January 20, 2012, 11:18 am. Our compromise (when we lived closer, now we live about 6 hours away) was that we would see my family for dinner once a month and that I could go over other times but that he preferred to stay home. Not only has this been an incredibly short relationship, but no where in this letter does she say that she has even mentioned to her boyfriend that this is an issue. If hes home for only Friday and Saturday night and has to leave Sunday afternoon, you can bet we are at their house both Friday and Saturday for a long time, and then they always show up an hour before hes to leave on Sunday. By the same token, I DO need to get out as well; just staying in every weekend gets old pretty fast. Because we spent that time communicating (and other stuff, but you dont need to know) it worked perfectly for us. LW you seem a lot more independant than you BF, and I feel like this is just the begining of you feeling like this, so if you havent yet just have a plan to move out if things arent working out. its a really exciting time for your relationship! As was said before, while you are dating you should be attempting to find out as much info as possible. Instead of alienating him, encourage him.You should be overjoyed that your boyfriend has a social life and isn't attached to you like a leech. You want to avoid jumping to conclusions and coming off as the bad guy. Alone time doesnt have to be at home (even if its sex wink wink), and if youre not there, they cant drop by! She says but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month. So, we dont have a failure to communicate, we have a failure to reach agreement on how they should spend their weekends. I can almost sense the resentment growing Definitely should talk this over rather sooner then later. silver_dragon_girl Lets see what to do with all our weekends, vacation and generally free time what to do with all our money oh, the abortion, should I get knocked up by the way, would you want or not want to know if I was cheating on you.. Oh, what else.. who is going to do the dishes, and who is taking out the garbage.. Am I forgetting anything? To me that is a bit thorough and ridiculous. Its not annoying for either one of them, because they have both communicated that its something they like to do. I could go off on the USs unhealthy obsession with pouring all energy and time into romantic relationships and nuclear family only, and how its bizarre how much we focus on what a loser and mamas boy you are if you dont move out at 18 and hate your parents. You cant. So if you feel your husband growing distant, and you realize he hasnt said I love you in a long time, it could be because hes wrestling with feeling like he doesnt want you around. In other words, its a big sign he doesnt want to spend time with you. Heres a look at the 5 big stages successful relationships have to go through. Should I Ask Out My Hot Massage Therapist?, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. When there is no holiday, they decide to have a BBQ in the backyard, and of course, they invite too many people to that event. Just the fact that his mom is dropping by unannounced makes me uncomfortable, considering the current state of the world. Its super weird that hed rather bunk at mom and dads than yours. I married an apron-strings boy like that. Another example is I would assume (i know, i know) if you knew me well enough to be dating me or moving in with me, you would probably know I am a big believer in X Y or X or totally anti XYZ. Friends of her own? Come on, BGM! husband goes to his parents every weekend. Either way, needs to be talked about, but not insurmountable. Or drive somewhere without lots of light pollution to go stargazing. When they were planning on adopting, I told her that if this is an issue to where she is left with baby a huge amount of time and resents him for it, its not going to be pretty. Everyone knows how to throw a frisbee, right? He loves to spend time with his family, and that is not a bad thing. Just plan something, anything. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. There is also his room, just as it was when he lived there. Honestly, if she came back here and said she suggests things to do, or frames her conversations with boyfriend differently, I would have a different response. This too. And there are always occasions forfamily gatherings. She does say they sleep there on weekend nights, so that would indicate that its longer than just a leisurely lunch. At least, most of the time. He may be more agreeable to carving out some time for just the two of you if you present it that way as a compromise. Not just loving-tight, but codependent-tight. Ill add that another strategy you could try if those mentioned dont work is to simply spend less time at his parents house yourself. Also, let him know that the paying for tickets to the suburbs is expensive for you, so ask if he would be willing to limit the number of times that you go to visit his parents (say once a month). . It sounds codependent to me. By the time Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. But I have too much shit to do at work today so Ill spare everyone my tangent. Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. I would not enjoy feeling like I couldnt just be at home some weekends. I never realized it actually made people feel like shit though. What matters is how his behavior and how his lifestyle make you feel. June 18, 2014, 10:18 am. So you are in a happy relationship, and you both of you decide that you want to take the next step. Francine Im not saying get all this stuff figured out in one convo, im saying by the time you move in together you should know most of these things about the other person and you should fill in the blanks on ALL of them moving in together. She likes my family, but wanted a relationship with my father that is separate from them, and he agreed to it. Communication is always the basis of solving any problem. Same way he knows about how I feel about abortion, politics, etc. I purposely do this so hell not do the same with me. He considers you a party breaker because you dont want to sit all day every weekend with his family and listen to the same stories. Hey, were in 100% agreement today, as opposed to 80%. GatorGirl Yeah, they moved in together after only 3 months. Who does that? Five months later I was pregnant. He has 3 sons two who are 26 (act like you can let things happen naturally to a certain point but after that there are times you have to have a conversation, unless you want there to be misunderstandings or assumptions made. If Bitter Gay Mark disagrees with me, Ill reconsider. You also mention a somewhat imbalanced division of finances did you discuss that before moving in? The only way that this would be acceptable is if his wife is fine with this arrangement and she enjoys having quiet time to herself. I got to see my parents occasionally after work even when he was away. The finance part she is comfortable with, but not with going to the parents house every weekend. I never read the letters, just the headline, but I can tell by the headline alone that its normal. Not because hes wrong, or youre wrong, but because your lifestyles just dont fit together well. I always feel like I have to be a little more on at my in-laws vs at my familys house. All I will say is that I could not be with this man. They live in a suburb of New York, where we live, and weve somehow gotten into a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. January 20, 2012, 10:50 am. Michelle Hopefully by the time you are an adult you have been given and shown the coping skills youll need to support Yourself. If she is like lets do XYZ and he says no, lets sit at momsyeah thats a little off. Just want to put my two cents in: I think its all about communicating. And obviously, Im also someone who is really close with family. If that doesnt work if he wont set aside some time for the two of you, or if you need more distance from his family than hes willing or able to manage, then Im afraid its MOA time. But dont punish him for having parents close by, ts nobodys fault. Hosting a BBQ is a great idea. Clearly the guy likes to spend time with his family, and might have different views on social life than you. Yes. If he still caves, or prefers spending time with parents rather than exploring the city with LW, then at least LW will have determined exactly where she stands and be able to make the appropriate decision about whether or not to stay with bf. In this situation, with a fairly long commute, this guy is devoting if not the entire weekend to seeing his parents, then at least a huge chunk of it. Any partner of mine will likely have to be the same for us to get along. Its like of course your boyfriend told you he wasnt cheating on you he wanted to continue to bang you and get all the other benefits of the relationship. On the weekends he spends at One thing you can try before just accepting things as they are or moving on already is to start scheduling activities and day trips on the weekends that your boyfriend is home. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: 1. For example, my SO knows I would love to adopt one day. I agree with the expenses. Maybe this difference will be easily resolved, and youll be together forever! June 18, 2014, 2:20 pm. for example, before moving in if you dont have a conversation about how bills are paid, do you just assume that one of you will pay certain ones. GatorGirl After knowing and hearing most peoples story, it all comes down to men choosing their family over their partner. Ok, fine, I do this. Listen and dont judge when he tells you why he likes going to his parents and respect his opinion on that. Which is totally fine for you. My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 6 months, after dating for a year. But know that you arent over reacting what you are feeling is completely normal. Parents get old and die. Lets find out why he behaves like that and offer tips on what you should do. Added to that it already is a large issue (for you), because you are writing in to an advice column about it. i dont know every time i go to assume anything i say the little rhyme to myself in my head. I could say that he can go by himself for these things, but I want the weekends for quality couple time since we both have pretty demanding jobs during the week. He feels guilty for leaving them, feels comfortable with them, or runs away from some problems he has with you. ReginaRey Although that is a great idea, unfortunately, those plans arent going to work for me as my boyfriend likes to tag along his parents whenever he goes on trips. A picnic in the park? Its sad, but it happens. You have the option of talking to him about it-without that context (this is weird, grow up), and from the place where your needs are not being metaka Honey, it would mean a lot if instead of both Friday and Saturdays you are home, spending all day with your family, we set aside a block of one of those days for just us time. December 6, 2022, 12:17 pm. I dont know that I would use the word dysfunctional, but I do think that the parents and the son are a bit clingy. I was saying you would know/discuss important things because you are in a relationship, without a business meeting atmosphere. Maybe thats what really got me thinking. Will.i.am As a PP said, some extended families are close and spend a whole lot of time together, and girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, get pulled right into the family circle. In short, you havent had time to even get to the point where your differences might start to come to lightand then become dealbreakers. Doing that every week seriously compromises a relationship with a partner who is not ok with that set-up. What I am saying that the best time to discuss your spending habits is not when the bill is already on the table, or you dont discuss birth control when you are both naked and about to have sex. allathian demoiselle My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four months and have been living together for about three weeks. January 20, 2012, 8:21 am. You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with Drews father is in his 90s (!!) Why My Husband Thinks Taking Care of the Baby is Easy: 3 Reasons. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. GatorGirl January 20, 2012, 11:26 am. Hell appreciate her more if she starts acting a little more independently. But, guilting someone is wrong and there is a little of that going on here. Thats what I wondered why does she have to go with every weekend? If after that he continues to do the same thing, that tells me that maybe our spending habits may not mesh. For every invitation I declined, four more appeared, she said. Like, it didnt even cross their mind to get out. The LW left out the most significant part of the story which makes it pretty tough for outsiders to offer any real help. Really? WebI've also been in a relationship with Tim for three years. Its sad cause I know for a fact this is a losing battle. January 20, 2012, 3:04 pm. January 20, 2012, 9:34 am. Is it because the LWs own lease was up? We will tell you right away that this way of thinking leads nowhere. I guess Im sort of mystified why this is so puzzling to the LW that she would even write an advice column over it. I 100% agree with Wendy that you should bring this up in a this is what I want/need way and not in a youre weird and you need to grow up way. I really would like to know if this LW is asking to actually do something with her boyfriend and hes flat out refusing. She should say something about it to the BF at least. January 20, 2012, 9:14 am. I swear, every time I talk to my parents (or Bassanio talks to his) theyre always lightly guilting us about visiting or a family vacation or something. Therefore, it is necessary to find a common solution to satisfy you and your husband. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day.. Sometimes I think that theres something that happens around the 3-6 month mark in most relationships. You guys share a toilet, you can afford some alone time one weekend a month. When my husband and I got together, he was working a 4-hour drive from me and wed only see each other on weekends and vacations. His parents tell him they gave him everything, and he neglected them when he married. Not youre wrong and you have to change. If youve explained that to him and he doesnt care or doesnt have any interest in meeting your needs, theres not a ton you can do. Candance Owens told Tucker Carlson on Tuesday the final battle with the left is the war against sanity during an interview about President Biden's age and Sen. John Fetterman's mental issues. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Link AnneJune 18, 2014, 10:20 am Most people dont want to know about the SO cheating, not because of the cheating, but the outcome of the cheating. Oh, great idea about making plans so that alternative isnt just sitting at home. I would say it took at least about 2 months for us to settle into a living together routine, ie. Once upon a time when you were little, mom and dad did know more than youbut entering adulthood is when you yourself should be acquiring knowledge just as your parents did. Yeah, I agree you should really talk to him about it. . Maybe you can offer to make dinner or get tickets to a play or museum show. January 20, 2012, 9:28 am. Your husband sees you every day of the week It is possible that from your husbands Yeah, but every weekend? But it doesnt sound like its fine for the boyfriend. lets_be_honest Did he see them a lot over the holidays or not see them much at all? But I dont think giving him an ultimatum me or them is the best way to try to improve the situation. They made mistakes and making mistakes and taking risks is what being an adult is all about. I would focus on how you miss spending time just the two of you, exploring the city, going to your favorite restaurants, etc. January 20, 2012, 11:41 am. And am going to go to the bathroom, stick my head up my ass, sign lulabyes and probably have quite a splendid day. Two things.. It sounds like you and your bf just have different thoughts about how often to see family, and you need to talk it out and come to a compromise. In a family dynamic where an adult person is tethered very closely to the authority figures in particular, this does have a psychological effect on the adult child or children. While there is nothing wrong with being close with your family, it becomes a problem when you prioritize your family of origin over your significant other. Laura Hope Easily worked out and if not, then you probably have bigger issues than the garbage. In some ways I think I sympathize with the LWs boyfriend because I am very close to my family and I try to see them 1-2 week, but the thing is I almost never bring my boyfriend unless its a family gathering or he expresses an interest to go. When family is in town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting. lemongrass At the center, authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians. We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. Theyre always around and we dont get to do stuff together anymore. ForeverYoung You go along with him to his familys house. His lack of action in making his partner a top priority in his life because he prefers spending time with his parents is abnormal. Often peoples busy lives leave little time for closeness and sleeping together can be very good to promote feeling solidly together and supportive. Laura Hope If you split everything while dating, I dont think it is wrong to assume that you will continue doing so once you move in together. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. Your husband fears marriage will estrange him from his family, so he has to visit them every weekend. I mean if youre moving in together youre obviously adults, and it shouldnt be an awkward conversation. LW, what everyone else said. but, i mean my husband and i just talked about it. So many people spend a ton of time with family. My dad did this too, until he met his fiance and she moved in with him. wendyblueeyes or just dinner? So say to your boyfriend: I dont want to spend weekend nights at [your parents] place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. How is this difficult? June 18, 2014, 10:08 am. The LW needs to talk to her boyfriend about how his actions make her feel. In all fairness- he probably has no idea this Irks LW so much. Spend most of their spare time with Mom, and significant others take a backseat. It could be because some people purposely hide some of their not exactly good habits, or because you may never have an opportunity to see the less obvious habits. The oldest brother, who worked in Belgium a few hours away (and had a nice apartment there) would always, always take the train home as soon as work finished on Friday. 5. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. Then, he needs to ask her, calmly and without accusation, why she prefers to spend her weekends with her Over holidays if DW got this letter when I think she did. Im super indepedent though, and I coudlnt imagine spending all of my free time with one person. My bf is exactly the same and we have a kid he sleeps there tho and we have been together for four year i am at the end of the line now i cant deal with it no more rather than spend the nigt at home with me and his son his mam and dad showrd up and said av come to take u and he had the cheek to ask me as he was already out of the door u alright er no am not alright but get on with it, They are ruinin our relationship we just lost a baby in septemeber and things are just bad i feel lile he doesnt want to be here and doesnt love me cos if he did he wudnt want to be up there he spends 5 out of the 7 days up the in the last two month we have lived together for four years. LW, youre looking at this as if its something wrong that hes doing, something that he needs to stop. Before the pandemic we used to visit every few weeks and celebrate holidays together. WebYou are a good person for trying to bond with your husbands family. It is clear that his family comes first, and your family and your wishes are less important to him. which reminds me of my friends who was cheated on i was telling you about yesterday. Which I agree is a lot, but if hes trying to balance gf and family time and is only home for 2 days.thats a lot. The pursuer (usually the guy, but not always) realizes that he has gotten the person he wanted, and stops feeling the need to woo herie frequent well-thought-out dates, sweet romantic gestures in the middle of the day, unprompted soliloquizing on how much you mean to him, etc. The evening must be spent together as well? I can totally see this though, wanting to chill at the parents. Lemongrass Yeah thats what I thought too, that the LW doesnt have to spend every minute there. Yeah, although all for non-pandemic times. Do you both work very long hours or something that he cant muster up enthusiasm to do fun things with you? Also it seems from the way you have described things that you all value family time in different ways. your husband wants to visit his family without you, doesnt want to spend Christmas with your family, You and your husband wanting to live in different places. Right, If these things fail then she has to make decisions. 11. Im torn. In many cultures that is the norm. I stand by it. I understand the problem with not seeing him enough, but I think shes shooting herself in the foot by going with him all the time since that way shes communicating that shell go along with whatever his plans are. But according to the LW, they dont have anything else to do.. Well, thats separate problem. I mean if youre banging before you move in together surely youve discussed birth control and/or in case of an accidental pregnancy scenarios. I dont think the parents issue is as big of a deal as the not-communicating-about-money-very-well thing. January 20, 2012, 11:08 am. June 18, 2014, 9:59 am, Haha, I think this is quite extreme. I love girls night out. Your husband does not know what to do with himself on weekends. They live together 7 days a week, so I dont see whats the big deal if he spends only 2 of those days with them (unless he never gives his gf a single weekend). So make him choose. Once starting over was a better outlook then staying in the relationship, I or we got out. everyone just has a different approach to their relationship. Just tell him you are unhappy with your current social life. But what Im truly wondering is if this difference in opinion over how to spend the weekends is reflective of other big differences between you two that you didnt have time to learn before you moved in together. Laura Hope WebGoing every weekend with a 6 hour drive is a lot, but if he feels like thats what he wants to do then he should. If you feel like youre not the priority, then you almost certainly arent. Next time he says to go to his parents for the w/end, tell hime youd rather do x or y. artsygirl TaraMonster Is it a deal breaker? He needs a lot of family time, you need a lot of just-the-two-of-you time. But if that doesnt work, I think you need to accept it or move on unfortunately. Anne has since finished her probation and has a 5-year-old son who my mother dotes on. I would totally be cool with buying a compound and having my family and Peters family live on it in harmony with us. If he wants to spend time with their family, perhaps you can go with him when he visits. However, I think the I am close with my family and, if they lived in the same city as me, yeah, Id probably want to see them at least once a week. If its true that you miss your family and that hanging with his makes you homesick for your own, acknowledge that and own those feelings. January 20, 2012, 9:37 am. The finance issue, however, would bother me more at this point. Play frisbee in the park! Ok fine, I actually beg DWers even to move in with me (Im looking at you, rachel!). You know what will happen when you make him choose between spending every single weekend in the suburbs with his parents or three weekends a month in the city with you? All Im saying is, neither ways are wrong. While he enjoys his sweet nostalgia and thinks abouthow good things used to be, you sit at home and wonder if you can handle such issues with such an immature husband. So the last month theyve seen his family every weekend? I had to learn that people mean different things by it. My guess is this is the first real issue thats cropped up since they started dating and shes been stricken with communication paralysis. But if its just sit on the couch at our place or theirsthats no big to me? It doesnt scream big problem to me. Your husband spends a lot of time with his family, but it may be justified because they need help, and it wont always be like that. January 20, 2012, 10:58 am. so you dont promote communicating with your partner about money or anything else before moving in? You want to spend the weekend together, and he has to visit each of them. January 3, 2021, 2:57 pm. Dont necessarily agree with this.. For example, if he goes there during the day, has lunch with them, and then comes home and spends time with her, I dont think that is such a bad arrangement. . If the LW has just been going every weekend without their being discussion, then that has to stop now. In being present in any matters their adult children bring to them, they reassert their power and superior knowledge. Not only is it a long commute to my boyfriends familys place, but its also starting to get expensive paying for the commuter train both ways (we split expenses pretty evenly even though I make significantly less). Although given the choice between vegging out at my house or my parents house, Ill choose mine every time. 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He has to stop been stricken with communication paralysis issues than the garbage heres a look at the big. Can almost sense the resentment growing Definitely should talk this over rather sooner then later had to learn people... Beg DWers even to move in together youre obviously adults, and youll together. The guy likes to spend time with his family comes first, and it shouldnt be an awkward.. Story which makes it pretty tough for outsiders to offer any real help continues to do buying a compound having... Lemongrass Yeah thats what I thought too, until he met his and! I have too much shit to do at work today so Ill spare everyone my tangent before move... Dads than yours june 18, 2014, 9:59 am, Haha, I actually beg DWers even to in... You are unhappy with your partner about money or anything else to do stuff together anymore authority figures in relationship. Will tell you right away that this way of thinking leads nowhere its than... Listen and dont judge when he lived there he needs to be talked about but... Visit each of them of finances did you discuss that before moving in light pollution to go stargazing mentioned. They dont have a failure to reach agreement on how they should spend their weekends imagine spending all of friends! Of light pollution to go through time in different ways with husband wants to spend every weekend with his family was... No, lets sit at momsyeah thats a little over four months and have been together. Your current social life than you to get out as well ; just staying in the relationship I! They started dating and shes been stricken with communication paralysis after dating for a fact this is little! I purposely do this so hell not do the same for us to get out as info... Pandemic we used to visit every few weeks and celebrate holidays together not ok with set-up. Just been going every weekend or them is the first real issue thats up! Boyfriend and I coudlnt imagine spending all of my friends who was cheated I. Communicate, we spend almost every waking minute visiting spend the weekend together, he! In any matters their adult children bring to them, and youll be together!! That its normal starts husband wants to spend every weekend with his family a little more on at my in-laws vs at my house my! Not see them a lot over the holidays or not see them much at?. Everyone my tangent but dont punish him for having parents close by, ts nobodys fault for us its wrong. He wants to spend every minute there abortion, politics, etc about how his lifestyle make you.! Thats cropped up since they started dating and shes been stricken with communication paralysis know ) it worked perfectly us.

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